This sowed guilt is not transient. And I have all these questions like what do you want people to gather about you? (After life slipped from down under my feet without even giving me a chance to take a few breaths). No, I wasn’t given the chance to make a choice anymore because only nature truly knew me. The left over wounds are, however, not enough, no, it will not suffice because there’s some reasons the soul goes on if you want it to, no, I can’t justify the lies even as I feel my fugacious soul- consciously withering and falling before I’m supposed to.
One day in the quietness I realized maybe we acted in this way because we were both angry or tired, we were alone and maybe we internalized literally everything. I hadn’t hugged anybody in so long, hadn’t had any genuine human touch.
Maybe the answers we were angrily seeking were already inside of us because maybe we were going through the same thing and couldn’t ever vocalize it because of the absurdity, audacity or shame of it but maybe we were like each other and that thought just changed everything. It made me more quieter but more humble and accepting to her pain and also my being. Shameful and everything in the open, I allowed myself to understand the angry, bitter, and lonely parts of me. I peeked through the doors of my physical and mental trauma, I was kind of okay with feeling the flashbacks and the horrible memories, I was a bit okay with breaking the stone walls to enter the parts that hurt me or that I let continuously create doubt in this soul and body of mine, I gave thought to the chance of knowing my loving self, underneath all that pain. So there was the shock, denial, disbelief, the confusion, running away, the anger and the mood swings, the anxiety and fear, there was the guilt, the second guessing, the shame and self- blame, oh there was my soul, withering away from others, feeling sad and hopeless as I was in trance, somewhere in space, floating in some unknown galaxy, parallel to the seventh dimension, holding on to I don’t know what, feeling disconnected and physically and emotionally numb. Feel. Feel. Feel. Some parts were aching from the traumatic injuries, the lasting impacts of the physical violence and mental torture. Apparently this is the road to full recovery and stability.
Do you have these moments when your old self fights with your new self? Like before you would contain yourself but now you feel like you want to be open, you want to flutter around more but sometimes your old self will hold you captive in your cocoon. Or before, you were that person who contains their laughter and happiness, either to enjoy it little by little, or not at all, but now you let yourself experience what ever it is you’re feeling, you want to walk and smile, then you want to run and smile, but your old self tried to hold you back? But this new self is teaching you how to let go. This new self is keeping your soul from getting old. You are changing, blossoming. Tell your old self that letting go parts of you isn’t shameful and there’s no need to look down to some of your yester -days and yester- ways. The timing is right. New is dark. New is apprehensive. New is exhausting. New is on time. The appearance of the new you means purity, beauty in your developing spirit. Emotional inner peace as you break into a new spiritual awakening- learning from the old self. A new self of grace, elegance, shyness and hope.
This is some out-of-body experience or some self- reflection or looking into the mirror and not recognizing myself or maybe recognizing all of me and finding some peace or some soul to hold on to.